I've been sharing with everyone my understandings and insights about victims and victim abusers. The question was presented to me in an e-mail from a reader, "Do you believe being a victim is an excuse for abusing people?" This article will reveal my belief on this. The simple answer is no. Ones background does however provide an explanation as to what series of events led a victim to the point of being abusive. I believe there is a critical difference between having a reason for being abusive verses having an excuse for being abusive. Concerning abuse, there is ALWAYS a reason and rarely an excuse. Here is how I have seen this to be true.
From early childhood, we discover that it is worth it to make an effort to avoid punishment by giving plenty of reasons as to why we did something. Often times, if the parent sees that the reason is "reasonable enough", they will pardon the child, making the offense excusable and without further ado. While this may present the appearance of mercy, it does greater harm than good. Mercy is to provide leniency not dismissal. What happens is that the victim abuser becomes dependent on the mercy of others because they have mastered the ability to give good reason, one that you will pity them enough for, and thus they gain excuse. Another way these conditioning's are nurtured early on is through parental neglect. When a parent witnesses a child being verbally abusive and smiles, acts pleasantly shocked, slightly annoyed or blatantly gives the child authority or control over the situation. The child then secures their right to abuse which is affirmed in the parents lack of discipline and carelessly permissive response to the child's behavior.
Victim abusers, rely on the fact that giving enough reasons will render them unaccountable and hopefully not responsible. This leads victim abusers to believe they can basically "get away with murder". These individuals will first master this technique in their own homes, as a child or as an adult, and graduate to the general public, YOU! Again, using their keen sense of discernment, they will have the wit to know exactly which "card of reason" to play to win the psychological game of excuse, what I call "Wit it to win it."
Victim abusers do indeed have countless reasons for why they abuse others, but in the vast majority of abuse cases, there is no excuse! Victim abusers present their reasons which they believe should justify their actions. They will always direct you on two avenues of reason, what the other person did to trigger them or how their past triggered them, causing them to "snap" out of control (often times repeatedly). The key is to not allow the victim abuser to direct you at all. You take control of the steering because the patient is the passenger! You must be the reasonable eye, being slow to judgment but quick to safe and responsible action. Having been a victim of countless crimes against a human being, and lived to tell about it in a healthy way, I can attest to the fact that being a victim is not an excuse for being a victim abuser. A victim is only an abuser because they lack the deliberate will, determination, self love and inspiration it takes to FIGHT FOR THEIR LIVES! Some victim abusers have gone so far into the world of "the reason is because..." that they have grown to believed their "created realty" and have become a threat to themselves and society. In my opinion, these individuals must be confined from the general public and subjected to the medical treatment they need to get on the path of recovery. (see work book on recondition therapy for more details.)
When do I feel abuse is excusable? When an individual is clinically insane. There is help available for these individuals. There are many types of clinical insanity and one should seek help immediately for the person they feel is a danger to themselves or to those around them. Individuals who do not have a history if insanity may under go a trigger event that will thrust them into temporary or long term insanity. It should be noted, that premeditation IS POSSIBLE with a victim abuser who is experiencing clinical insanity. Even if these individuals should become medically treated with counseling and medication therapy so that they are reintroduced into family and society, they need constant monitoring to ensure they maintain in good standing with their treatment. Always be aware of the sings of insanity and be prepared to intervene on behalf of the individual in need. Never be afraid to seek help for yourself or someone else. The consequences for failing to do so could be devastating and have long term side effects.
Remember, help treat the Human BEING, get in the way (intervene), don't wait a day (take action), take time to pray (according to the faith you have been given).
Copyright 2006-2007 Ms. Rachel E. Milano www.kekoonpublishing.com
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