When Victim Becomes Abuser

The life of a victim has three paths: restoration, self-destruction, and social destruction. Those who develop mental and emotional strength and apply their abilities will restore to a healthier life style, managing positive and negative experiences well. These are what we call "former victims" or "Thriving Survivors", people who have been rehabilitated or reconditioned back into healthier living. These individuals are more likely to thrive in their society, contributing to it's overall good. While in early stages of recovery, it is easier to be targeted by a victim abuser as they can discern other people's wavering securities.

Those who exist in the path of self-destruction, will victimize themselves by either intentionally or subconsciously placing themselves directly in the path of abuse or inflicting internal and external abuse upon themselves such as guilty wallowing, self pitying, self condemnation, self mutilations, self inner abandonment, self imprisonment and self degradation. These individuals are prone to make unsafe choices and respond carelessly in their external environment. They are likely to be re-victimized reluctantly but willingly to validate their state of victimization and feelings of self worthlessness. People on this victim path will indulge in what I call "victimism", the new "ism", in which victims become addicted to the need to be a victim. They continuously wait to hop the next train of destruction, existing in fleeting moments of happiness and become greatly depressed with the absence of painful infliction in their lives. What's more, they will quickly and anxiously seek out individuals willing to subject them to emotional, physical or mental abuse. Such victims will be highly targeted by victim abusers but believe they can control the level of abuse they will be subjected to, "Putting up with this" but "Won't put up with that." These individuals will have a difficult time in healthy environments, boring easily and will often be instigators of "drama" when they experience "abuse withdrawal" or the environment is too stable making them feel unnatural or uncomfortable. It is highly probable that these individuals will "create realities" which are non existent but sustain them until a real abusive situation presents it self in their lives. A recovering victim often finds themselves straddling the fence of both types of victim behavior while struggling through the initial stages of recovery.

Finally, there are those who exist in the path of social destruction, who respond to life in anger, hostility, resentment, and spite. They feel the world owes them and is useless, deserving of great punishment similar or worse than they themselves received, even to the point of assigning themselves as the punisher. Projecting and extending their own pains onto others is the trigger finger of victim abusers. These victims become abusers seeking out prey weaker than themselves to ensure they can control the individual and their immediate environment. There is the added element of pleasure in knowing they have successfully made another feel their pain or better yet feel worse than their pain. It is my theory, that those who victimize animals can not find or identify humans weaker than themselves. Victim abusers are the most threatening type of victim. They are easily identifiable in their conversations about life and their views of the world. Any type of victim can cross over to this category, however there are certain internal and external breakdowns that must be present for that cross over to occur. (See "Love Thy Self" Recovery Tour for more details.)

What defines one to be weaker than another? An individual's level of self-respect, self-worth, vulnerability, isolation, dependency, resistance, mental development and the strength of one's immediate support. Victim abusers are keen and calculating with a strong sense of discernment. The gift of discernment is sharpened with the need to be hyper aware of one's surroundings. As a person's survival is threatened, their instincts to survive become mastered. Discernment is the sensory network of a beings instincts and can be stronger or weaker depending upon use (like a muscle). Without a heart of recovery, victim abusers will use their sharpened sense of discernment to identify and target potential victims. If the victim abuser feels they themselves were innocent when victimized, they will likely target weak innocent individuals. If they feel they have always been a vessel for repeated abuse by others, they will likely target individuals who they feel "are there for that anyway", people who are frequently re-victimized.

The vital thing to remember, is that just as easily as you can spot a victim abuser, they can spot you, your strengths, weaknesses and vulnerabilities, in fact, they may even spot you more easily. This gives them the knowledge necessary to morph, temporarily changing into the person you need to fill your void. If they can provide you that which you lack, the victim abuser will have successfully primed you for attack. Other's will not even bother going through the stalking of their prey and cease the moment of attack, violently and often brutally.

When it comes to victimization there are not two separate types of humans, victims and abusers, rather there is one humanity with two distinct internal identities, victim and victim abuser. This becomes a question of which came first, the victim or the victim abuser? Since abuse is a result of failed recovery from victimization, the victim comes first. Then one would ask, how does the victim come first if the victim must first be abused? There in lies the evidence of its dual identity. Can one be a victim and an abuser at the same time? Yes, in fact that falls under the law of give and take which we all naturally abide. All living creatures roaming earth have the ability and likely hood of being both victim and abuser to varied extremes. One can abuse themselves and thus be a victim of self inflictions and then as in many cases of failed recovery the individual will lash out on others becoming an internal and external victim abuser.

I will use myself as an example of lower level victim abuser: When I was a child, I often went without food, at times, to the point of starvation. I stole food and gambled for food in school. Stealing is an offense against an owner, however, had I not stolen the food, would I have survived? Later, as I got older and even into adulthood, I was still stealing (sneaking) food. I was no longer hungry but I was abusing rights and access to food. I would baby sit in another person's house and steal the food. I wasn't hungry, I just found myself doing it. I have since successfully reconditioned this behavior with love and understanding for myself, however, this is an example of my first having been a victim of starvation and then later abusing my rights to food.

The heart of recovery is what determines how we respond to victimization. Will I become a former victim of "this or that?" or will I become a victim abuser of "this or that?" What is the heart of recovery? The willingness to have and develop Unconditional Love of Self. The common denominator for all victim behavior is hatred. The common denominator for all former victim behavior is love. We need to love ourselves to death so that no one can hate us to death. Hear more about this and other recovery issues by registering for a "Love Thy Self" Recovery Tour.

Copyright 2006-2007, Ms. Rachel E. Milano

Sick of "Leting go" Part Two

Is there anything we can do to deactivate the holding effects individual traumas have on us? YES! Many of us have heard about "embracing your pains" or "Letting go of your past" I disagree with both of these recovery concepts. I believe they both pacify rather than respectfully address the issues which often have long term holds on us emotionally, mentally and result in enormous physical consequences such as illnesses related to stress. Further more, these so called recovery concepts leave the individual in the victim state and hold them suspended in the conditioning of fault and guilt. Maintaining such presence in society and in one's personal surroundings can result in the individual responding in duress to circumstances which could greatly effect or alter their emotional, mental and physical freedoms.

Here are my "Holistic First Aid Steps to Soul Recovery". (This is not the answer to complete recovery, it is my first aid outline. To benefit from the complete plan of recovery, please register to attend a "Love They Self" Recovery Tour.) It is strongly suggested that you sit down with a piece of paper and write your response to each step as you go. You may do this alone but I recommend doing this with a close friend or recovery mentor who can lend support while you work through your recovery. This helps with emotional control, attentiveness, reflection and organization of thought. If you find that you are unable to bring your emotions under control, seek the help of a professional immediately.

1) Above all, no matter how badly you feel about yourself and your situation, you must place loving yourself above every circumstance and emotion. Protect yourself and be sure your environment is safe and enables you to take these initial steps of recovery. NEVER respond to your pain with further injury to yourself! Be prepared to forgive yourself for any negative consequences resulting in your impulse response to the effects of your injury. Be prepared to forgive the effects of the initial injury as you go through the process of recovery. Finally, be prepared to forgive your abuser for inflicting the injury upon you WHILE retaining your right to hold them accountable and responsible for the initial assault.

2) Truthfully identify and acknowledge that you have been injured and in how many places you have been injured. (mentally, emotionally and or physically)

3) Clean the wound so that you can determine the severity of your injury. This means after a reasonable time of "impulse reaction time" (crying, shouting, screaming, or verbally communicating your pain) you need to compose yourself, calm down and look at your issue in as controlled a manner as possible. Ask yourself, "Where are you hurt? How bad is it?" Answer the questions, don't just ask them.

4) Isolate the cause and effect of the injury. Find the initial cause: This happened to me because... (assign blame to the situation and victim abuser not to yourself). Effect: _________ is happening to me as a result of this injury to me. (List the consequences resulting in the effect of initial injury and identify the extended effects of those consequences. Accountability and responsibility for serial consequences will be shared by the victim abuser and the victim.)

There are perspectives of approach in doing this, either achieves the same results. One is called the "Pull and Peal" process. To pull up the root of your pain by pealing back the series of effects so that they can be identified and you can deal with the extent of initial injury.

For example: You can list your most current issue first if your not sure what the initial injury was that resulted in you being in your current situation... I sleep a lot and my parents feel I am taking advantage of them, which resulted because I moved in with my parents, which resulted because I quit my job, which resulted because I hate myself, which resulted because I secretly had an abortion, which resulted because I was impregnated, which resulted because I was raped. Cause and Effect established.

The second perspective of approach is called the "Get Bone Deep" process. This process starts from the initial wound and digs down through the layers of impact to determine the extent of injury.

For Example: You can list your initial injury first if you feel you know what issue which resulted in your being placed in your current situation ... I was raped, as a result I was impregnated, as a result I had an abortion, as a result I hate myself, as a result I quit my job, as a result I moved in with my parents, as result I sleep a lot and my parents feel I am taking advantage of them. Cause and Effect Established.

5) EACH cause and effect which was broken down must be given individual attention, forgiveness, accountability, responsibility and proper placement within your being. You must deliberately work it out, work it through, and incorporate it. How do you do this? Discover what the lessons to be learned are. List the positive lesson(s) and the negative lesson(s) for each cause and effect. Both positive and negative lessons WILL absolutely be existent.

6) Incorporate the lessons! Don't "embrace" or "let go" of a thing! Incorporate it! Once you incorporate, the hold will dissipate naturally and the emotional, mental and physical impacts will transform dramatically and permanently for your well being.

7) Apply the lessons as you engage in the process of reconditioning... see work book for more details.

When you eat food, your body takes the good with the bad and processes the food, breaking it down and excreting the waste. IF you can not excrete the waste, your body will endure great stress and pain... (constipation). A blockage will form that can become so severe that it risks your very life, sometimes requiring surgical removal. This is similar to the process of emotional recovery. When you are injured, your body takes on something to be digested or processed through it's entire system (mentally, emotionally, physically and even spiritually). If you do not properly process or digest the impacts of injury, tending to only parts of the whole wound, you will as a result begin the blockage process as opposed to excreting the waste and digesting the lessons, this extends and adds further trauma to one's individual attempt at recovery.

Humans are a part of a total evolving creation. Part of how we evolve in to stronger, wiser, healthier human beings is through our ability to process/digest new experiences and information and our ability to moderate, adjust, and manage positive and negative experiences. I hope this information is of good value to you, apply it, try it out on your minor cuts and scrapes, if it works for you, apply it to your larger wounds.

Copyright 2006-2007 Ms. Rachel E. Milano

Using The Bible Belt

Do you wear a belt? Some people who wear a belt use it to abuse children, others do not. Do you? This article is to bring attention to all those who use their bible belts to abuse children. Now, maybe you wear a bible belt and do not beat on the spiritually young and wounded but if you do, this article is for you!

I write and speak to one's total wellness not for one's spiritual wellness alone. If your emphasis is solely on the spiritual wellness of others please start your own blog and tell the world about it. Just remember, that while it is wonderful to be spiritual, we are spiritual human beings who remain in a carnal body that needs attending to as much as our spiritual essence does. In fact, Jesus thought it was so important that the carnal be well prior to spiritual enlightenment that he healed body, mind and then spirit and as a result acquired converts, not false converts like countless Christians of today, but true believers. He knew the importance of complete well being and was always attentive to the carnal needs of those with whom he spoke, to the point of multiplying loaves of bread and fish because there was none and he wanted to provide nourishment for them... complete nourishment... again attending to the body, mind and spirit. He knew that in order for we carnal people to reap the rewards of the spiritual we must be well in the physical. Even the disbelievers who were listening ate of that food, the spiritual and physical food that were and are still being provided.

If we were meant to live in the spiritual only, carnal existence would have ended with the resurrection of Christ, however, it did not! While we are forgiven, we are yet carnal and we must take complete care of the temple within and the temple of the external. We are made free in him, as Christianity teaches, He is the forgiver of the sins of the World as it also teaches, and yet... we remain carnal while on this side of life, still forgiving the sins of those who sin against us even though he already forgave them and us. Understanding your faith is one thing, applying it in a wholesome and rewarding way is a whole other thing. Remember that.

You need to be aware, before removing your bible belt to lay into another believer or an unbeliever, that not every struggling survivor is a bible believer, just as not every Jew, Gentile and Pagan who sat to hear the message of Christ was a Christian. Therefore, I choose to present my message of Unconditional Love as if everyone were an unbeliever regardless of what I personally believe spiritually. I hammer no religious point of view, my belt remains strapped at all times and I will never raise it against the wounded souls seeking to have their voices heard, respected and healed. But I will not hesitate to raise my voice in their defense towards anyone who chooses to remove their bible belt and begin lashing into the already wounded! If you want to convert people to your presumed truth, you dont' need to punish, threaten or abuse them, love casts out all fear and embraces the weak in AS IS CONDITION. I will not stand by and allow anyone to cause further affliction to those who are seeking light from their darkness, water for their drought, food for their hunger, clothes for their nakedness and healing for their pain. I polish the pews He puts them in the seats. This is the way I have been led and you don't have to agree with it nor do you have to approve of it, a force higher than either of us has me here, go to the source with your complaint. If you'd like to email me personally I would be happy to reply three questions you may have as to how my message aligns with Christianity or any other faith based belief for that matter.

Any article which I post or message which I share in audio or writing is there for all mankind to hold up to the traditions and faiths with which they abide. Test it according to your teachings and use it for your personal development. According to Christianity, you are to judge the fruit not the seed, so I request that you be patient for the fullness of any message to present it self as good or bad fruit. The time which that takes maybe short or it may be after your passing, which is why, as a Christian, you are instructed to be slow to judgment and withhold condemnation of any kind. In other words, use your bible belt to suspend your faith and do not fashion it into a weapon of mass destruction upon the weak and defenseless, that is just plain old abuse of purpose and a form of emotional sadism.

Copyright 2006-2007 Ms. Rachel E. Milano

Sick of "Leting go" Part One

I have a wish. I wish people would stop telling other's to let go of the past. What on God's green earth kind of advice is that? The whole "Letting go" phenomenon must come to an end. There is no letting go of the past! To try and convince people to do so is not only self destructive to the victim but to our society as a whole. How do you let go of something that has a hold on you? Let someone grab you by the neck and you tell yourself to let go of their arms because they are trying to choke the life out of you. It doesn't work like that. The hold must let go first before you stop defending your life and responding with cries out in pain! You will naturally let go once the hold on you is released. Can the victim do anything to help release that hold? Yes, as I will discuss in my next article. However, must we continue to fault the victim for failing to recover because they won't let go? The past contributes to our future, our future as a people.

I remember when I experienced the whole "forgive and let go" "process", it seemed so simple, all I had to do was do it. So, I put on a happy out look on life. I even wore a smile that could raise the dead and when asked how I was doing, I impressively responded, "Great, everything is just wonderful!" My internal self was decaying and all my external presentation, my going through the motions of wellness, was not helping me but making me feel like a fake and a liar not only to myself but to everyone I spoke to. I was NOT okay! I was still hurting, still being eaten alive by the pains of my past, which because of their devastating impact, were not solely my past but my present as well. The people around me though, they felt better about me and for me. I was smiling, laughing and saying positive things, so I guess I was doing fine in their eyes. Right? Making them feel comfortable and without felling the obligation of being responsive to my needs. This "forgive and let go" delusion is for the benefit of those who are not suffering, not for the struggling survivor. It is not to make things easier for the suffering but easier for the non suffering to manage the smell of emotional decay in their presence!

Who is telling victim abusers to let go of their past so that they can move on in their lives and have better days free of guilt and shame? Who is telling them to let go of their past offenses and get over their impulses to further abuse? Are we not holding the victim abuser accountable, responsible? Then it is our responsibility as leaders and people of support to encourage emotional self defense training, genuine recovery, internal repair, and "complete being rebuilding" rather than passive resistance and futile attempts at ignoring or burying the past. Dismissing the past is not the answer for victim or abuser. Out of sight is not out of mind for the abused. The "Forgive and Let Go" process is nonsense, and shame on any organization or leader that supports such foolish counsel! The advice to think and speak positively about life, and "just let go" is dangerous and creates victims of false recovery. Please, let's stop adding to the crimes against struggling survivors. These individuals do not want to learn how to pacify themselves, they want to know how to heal, how to become a valued part of life. Let's be willing to provide just counsel and put and end to pacification.

Copyright 2006-2007 Ms. Rachel E. Milano

Unconditional Love of Self

This is the picture my adopted parents saw when looking through the profiles of kids available for adoption. This picture was taken in 1983 when I was ten years old. The road to recovery from childhood abuse, neglect, repeated sexual assault, and domestic violence is long and often leaves us struggling with discipline, fear, guilt and shame. I am in the process of lifetime physical, emotional, and spiritual recovery from the pains I endured throughout my youth.I have been able to challenge myself throughout a large part of my recovery process.

Throughout the years, I have shared with others how I manage to be alive and, most recently, how I live a more thriving life. Through deep discussion with men and women who have suffered abuse similar to what I have endured, I have discovered a consistent message that has helped each of them.

Unconditional love of self.

When I explain how to implement this process, those who do, reap it’s rewards and witness positive changes in their lives. When I speak it is to share a holistic approach to emotional wellness. I’ve spent thousands of hours talking to suffering survivors online and on the phone at all hours of the night, and even in grocery store lines, sharing this message that has consistently been successful. The biggest result has been in myself!

I thought about how much easier it would be to speak to all these people in one big room. How many more people I could reach! How many more adoptive parents, therapists and school authorities! Maybe I could even get some more sleep! I plan to help people seek support by all means necessary, starting from within themselves. My books not only unfold my recovery process, but they also attest to the fact that I can indeed relate to the victim, the survivor, and the thriver. Through my own experiences and recovery, I can share with others how to love themselves unconditionally and how to enjoy a healthier, more prosperous life! My seminar outlines this process for everyone:

* Identifying your SOUL and it’s over all function.

* Identifying the fractions of your soul.

* Identifying the fractures of your soul.

* Identifying the pros and cons, AKA: the positive and negative conditioning of your soul.

* Identifying your most common self abuses.

* Creating a plan of action to recover from victim conditioning.

* Identifying the Condition Pairing Program. (Pairing up positives against negatives to cancel out the negative.)

* Learning to extract positive lessons from negative experiences.

* Learning to depend on the positive to generate more positive.

* Applying the new positives to the old to achieve growth!

Visit my web site at www.kekoonpublishing.com for more information about the "Love They Self" Recovery Tour.

Copyright 2006-2007 Ms. Rachel E. Milano